Second take on Danish parenting

Growing up and moving out

Portraying danish parenting in a way I did in the last post would be hugely unfair to Danes. They do love their children and take good care of them, even if it may sound harsh when you present it in a way I did. Every aspect of parenting that I mentioned has it's merit. I think that the best one is that the danish cultural default is to insist on their children moving out when they come of age. No matter that it looks harsh, especially if you take into consideration that children are asked to move out while still going to high school. With that single act they are doing them a huge favor in the long run. Kids become independent very fast. While it is a huge shock at the start and it is not easy, with this single act children will be fast-tracked into self-sufficiency. Couple of years ago I even read that, at the start, this custom severely reduces the living standard of children but within 5 years they surpass the living standard of their parents. So, at the age of 23 they are leading a better lives then they did while living with their parents!

Just as a point of comparison. A lot of children in Croatia move out of their parents in their late 20's, some even stay until their 30's. But, it shouldn't be forgotten that Denmark has a very strong labor market, full employment and amazing paychecks. If the same custom was practiced in Croatia, children would just end up on the streets and that is something Danes would never do to their children. I even asked this a couple of mine Danish friends. Would they ask their children to move out if they knew that kids couldn't find jobs and be self-sufficient and they gave me a firm no.

Curling parenting

Unfortunately, that Danish custom is slowly losing ground. Just like the rest of the world, Denmark is starting to have problems with too permissive parenting that results in incompetent young adults. Danes are calling it curling parenting. The analogy to curling is that parents sweep away the problems which their children are facing in the same way sweepers, clear the ice in curling in the stones path so it can travel further. That way, children grow up totally incompetent with facing the challenges the life presents. If family is a bit better of, the child will still move out but the parents will be financing it's life, so no life lesions will be learned. Allegedly some parents even go to their children's job interviews. The problem that I see is caused by the heavy Danish social state.

 

One problem that is present in all Scandinavian countries is that they are being too protective of their citizens, to the point that they are preventing them in making bad life choices. Don't get me wrong, that in itself is a good cause, but the consequences are not. The problem is that it is almost impossible for Danish citizens to fail. No matter what stupidity in life they do, what mistake they make, no matter the magnitude of it, the state of Denmark will always catch them. The risk of failure is reduced so drastically that there are no consequences and consequences are necessary for learning. If you don't know what the hardship is, how are you capable of valuing the plenty that you live in?

And people do rely on it. People in Denmark expect, even demand that the state solves some of their problems? Even some of the family problems, but that is the topic for another post. What happened to taking the responsibility for your own life? Calling the shots and living with consequences?

I love the Danish social state, I think it is great, but at some points I also think it is going a bit too far. It is being too protective.

Growing up in Denmark

If one would want, one could make Danes look like a horrible parents. (DISCLAIMER: this is a composite of different educational practices of parents in Denmark I have come across separately. I do not think that Danish parents are bad, but I do find it amusing when you compile it this way that they can sound so.)

As I wrote last week, very shortly after children are born, they are being tucked away at the baby-strawlers and put outside in the cold and rain to sleep at least once per day. Kindergartens have a whole baby parking installations outside where children are put to sleep.

Six to nine months after childbirth, mothers go back to the working market and children are left full time in daycare institutions. Even Danes acknowledge that because children are taken care of by professionals a lot, parents often miss on their children's important development steps like when they start to crawl, walk, talk etc.

From the age of two, danish children are starting to get education in kindergartens. First through play,but by the age of six or seven children are expected to sit and pay attention to their teachers for 45 minutes straight. If we take into consideration that attention span of an average adult is 15 minutes, I guess you can imagine that this is a very demanding task for children. But I have to be fair and say that this is a problem of education in general. If children fail at this they will be diagnosed with ADHD and treated for it. Couple of pedagogues I talked to told me that ADHD diagnosis is given out way too lightly in Denmark and that a number of children who actually have ADHD is low.

As children continue to develop, they should feel super lucky if their teeth and jaw develop as they should. If they don't, they will get external braces and they will walk around looking as space-man. With that, every shred of self-confidence they may have developed is completely ruined.

When they turn 13 they join the labor market and ofc they are being exploited. When children in Denmark start to work, they are being paid only half of what adults would be earning for the same position. 

When puberty kicks in and hormones start raging, when kids start to mature and ask questions about life, meaning, purpose and all other kinds of philosophical questions, their parents point them to the psychologists. Why? Because there is only so much personal problems with which parents can't be bothered, for everything else there are professionals who are there to help children to grow up. Did I say problems? Sorry, I meant to say normal part of development. Yes, for normal part of development, children in Denmark are sent to the psychologists.

Hmm... but maybe they do need professional help, after all from 13 to 18 they are expected to develop working habits and go to school and excel at both because in Denmark you can't be less then perfect. At the same time they are constantly being reminded that they are nothing special, that they shouldn't stand out, that is the way of the Jante Law that is deeply ingrained in Danish culture. And as an icing on the cake children are supposed to take their emotions and bury them deep down and never show them, because that is also deeply ingrained in Danish culture. All of that is expected from them while nothing in life makes sense and hormones are raging. And just at the moment they got the hang of their emotions, answered some of the questions, finished school, their loving parents thank them for cooperation and ditch them out of the apartment because that is expected when you turn 18. 

Of course they can visit from time to time, but only if announced a month in advance. After all, parents have their lives as well.

Don't you just wanna be a kid growing up in Denmark?

Freezer baby parking

This time I will write about what I consider the most unusual Danish tradition I have seen, parking babies out in the cold.

I moved to Denmark at the end of February. Temperatures were hovering around 0 degrees for the next three weeks with a more or less constant drizzle, so weather was far from ideal. With that kind of weather, one day I am coming home from work and I see 5 or six baby-strawlers parked at the courtyard of the building where I lived in Copenhagen. I was totally out of myself! I even saw a mom coming out with a baby-strawler, parks it outside and casually goes back up to her apartment. So she just left her baby outside in the cold and rain!

When I entered the apartment I described the horror that I just witnessed but Al'Shadar was completely un-phased by it. She just shrugged it of and said: "What of it? We do it constantly and it is healthy for the babies to sleep out in the cold." I must say that at first I took it as something completely mental. Throughout march, Copenhagen was littered with babies sleeping out in the cold.

I became curious about the custom and was asking people what is that all about. I was trying to figure out why are they doing it, for how long in the year are they doing it, how and where did the custom start. From Danes I got the first part and second part of the answer. It is consider that it is healthy for children to sleep out in the cold, they also managed to convinced me that it is quite safe. Babies are tucked in good and they are not freezing, on the contrary, parents often overdress them, they are under constant surveillance with the help of the baby monitor and parents instantly reacts when the baby starts crying. Also, babies sleep out in the cold for as long the temperatures outside are lower then the temperatures indoors and that is the case for at least 6 months in a year, from October to March.

But nobody could tell me how and when did this unusual custom start. Also, the claims that it is healthy for the children was always only on the level of common knowledge and as something that everybody does and knows. When I said that in Croatia I could imagine social services going out if they found out you are doing it, Danes were quite surprised. Since I couldn't get an answer I had to look it up.

The custom started on Iceland in early 20th century during a tuberculosis epidemic. Pedagog David Thorsteinsson in 1926. suggested that putting healthy children out in the baby-strawlers could be a good way of isolating them from the sick children so they don't get infected. From there the custom spread to all Scandinavian countries. Today it is a common practice among parents it is even considered as a bullet-proof evidence of good parenting. 

 

But still is it healthy for real? As it turns out it actually is. In 1990 a study was conducted by the Swedish National Board of Health and Welfare. The study showed that children that spent six to nine hours outside per week were significantly less sick when compared to children that spent between one and five hours outside per week. Finnish scientist Marjo Tourula did a study on infants sleeping outdoors and she realized that children are sleeping significantly longer when sleeping in the cold compared to when they are sleeping on room temperatures.

So to conclude, weirdish custom that could terrify my Croatian relatives if I were to practice it is actually very healthy and beneficial to children. 

 

So please, if you visit Denmark or any other Scandinavian country and see baby parking on the streets at sub-zero temperatures please compose yourself and don't call the social services, you are witnessing a very normal Danish custom.

Work, work

Arbejde, arbejde (work, work) are the words you hear far too often when talking to Danes. Arbejde means work and work is an integral part of Danish identity, without it Danes wouldn't be what they are. It pops out in every conversation, it is in every corner of every street, it is a part of family life, it is ever-present and unavoidable... it is work. What's up with Danes and work and why do they find it so important?

They have a worker bee hive mind mentality. They say that if they work hard they will produce enough value and that will be good for everyone. Basically they think that with hard work, value is produced that can go back to their social state and their social state will provide to those in need. So hard work is the thing that makes Danish social state, that provides the safety net, run around and Danes want and like their social state. This is where the first paradox in Danish culture arises - and they have a number of them. Their amazing social state can run around only if Danes continue working hard and if they use it only in circumstances when it is simply unavoidable: when they loose a job or for some reason they are unable to work. But at the same time, ideally and if possible, services of the social state should never be used.

Also, working market in Denmark is very flexible. It is very flexible because on the one hand the demand for workers is huge and on the other hand there is a safety net I have been mentioning that kicks in when people lose jobs, quit jobs or are not able to work, because of all that taken together people are not afraid to change jobs. That also makes staying in one workplace for life not that common, at the same time job hopping is looked down upon. So, changing jobs is considered ok, as long as that doesn't happen too often.

Danes start working when they are 13. Not a lot of course, couple of hours per week, on a bit lower wage because in those years people will not be put in positions that require a lot of responsibility. By 18 they developed their working habits, they did a number of starter jobs and at that time the default Danish family expects that their kid should, find their own place to live and go. 

One good consequence of this is that there is no jobs that are looked down upon. It isn't shameful to work as a garbage man, cleaner, delivery man etc. The first thing that gets you respect in Denmark is that you are working. It is always more important to earn your own money, be independent, pull your own weight and contribute to society in general then to be picky with jobs and mooch from the social state and your family. Social state is there only in case of emergency and it is not to be used lightly.

And hard work pays of!

In Denmark, connections will not get you very far, not compared to hard work and skill. Hard work also pays of at a much more fundamental level. Political consensus in Denmark is that the lowest salary should be so high that you can make your own living. You wouldn't get rich from it but you could make your life run around without help from others. Something completely unimaginable from where I come from. That hard work pays of is seen everywhere in Denmark. It is something for one of the following blog posts.

Cut-throat world of the danish bike lanes

It is a cut-throat world on the danish bike lanes. On some days it feels like everything is out to get you. Children, elderly people, other cyclists... especially other cyclist and they are creative about it. Everybody except the car drivers, they, are super considerate to cyclists. And of course they are, if there is a crash with a cyclist and driver being a part of it it will be drivers fault by default unless cyclist went through red light. But at the same time, deep down, drivers hate cyclists.

"Copenhagen cyclists are the worst", one of my friends said.

And I must say that I understand the sentiment. 

When I just arrived I was working with a friend who isn't a passionate cyclist. Also, we both recently moved to Copenhagen and we didn't know the city so we were relying on a GPS a lot and we weren't riding fast. We were definitely slower cyclists out there. Oooo boy, I was feeling like a moving target! Other cyclist were just swooshing past us, often angrily using their bells, somehow you can just hear the frustration from the way the person uses a bike bell. We were just a slow crawling nuisance that was reducing Danish commuting efficiency.

That lasted for two months. My friend and me learned the ropes of our job and we started working independently. Since, by that time I got to know the city as well I started riding my usual style, fast and determined, like a well integrated immigrant.

Since then I saw the other dark side of Copenhagen cyclists. They don't care for pedestrians at all and sometimes they really should. Danish cycling infrastructure is great but it has it's flaws. For example bus stations are in between the road and the bike lane, so when passengers are going on or of the bus they must go across the bike lane. On multiple occasions, when bus would stop and passengers would start going of, I would either stop or crawl so people can normally get of the bus. I thought other cyclists would do the same, I was wrong. They don't, they just go into mode; moving obstacles... avoid... avoid, so they just go zig-zaging through the passengers getting of the bus and almost colliding with me, since I am letting people go over the bike lane. Even though the default is, squeeze through the pedestrians and try not to hit them, I still stop and let them through and risk being ran over by a determined Dane on the bike. It is the same with crosswalks. You would think when people are crossing the road on the green light that cyclists would let them through, they don't. I guess their reasoning is that if someone ends up under their wheels, it is their fault.

Position of the bike lane in between the road and the sidewalk causes other problems as well. When people are getting out of the car, or fetching stuff from the car they have to be on the bike lane. That is what is causing a lot of potentially dangerous situations. On multiple occasions I was in a situation where I thought that I will slam into the person getting out of the car, or into the person going across the bike lane. Two times I was in a situation in which the person going across the bike lane saw me, looked me straight into the eyes, acknowledged that I am approaching and still made a step unto the bike lane even though I was just 2 meters away approaching in high speed. Fortunately for me, disk brakes had enough power to stop me before I hit the person.

Cyclist are also a menace to other cyclists. A lot of them is making turns without signaling, joining the bike lane without any thought of the incoming traffic, squeezing in past you in places where there is enough room for just one bike, people riding children bikes overtake when it seems there isn't enough space. On occasions it can really feel like: "Ok, this one will crash into me, but then they don't." I will conclude that I am the inexperienced one.

To conclude these 2 cycling posts. Danish bike lanes are amazing. If a person lives and works in Copenhagen there really is no reason to commute by car. The fastest way of commuting is using the bike, but it isn't the safest one. So, in a tame country of Denmark, where everything is regulated and controlled, if you want to get some adrenaline, get a bike and jump in! Who knows, maybe that is the reason why are Danes doing it, so they can feel alive at least while they are in their daily commute.

Cycling in Denmark

Cycling is a great hobby of mine. In the second year of studies I was mugged in a tram in Zagreb and for a short period of time I was afraid of using Zagreb public transportation. That didn't last long but it lasted long enough for me to notice the crappy old green bike in front of the apartment. I think dad bought it when I was a kid, but nobody ever used it. That time I thought, why not, let's try. Oooo the freedom.... being independent from public transport, not wasting your life away in traffic jams and the commuting speed. It was love on the first sight and it just grew from there. First it led to me working as a bike courier as I was wrapping up my studies. And I loved that stupid job. Roaming around the city on the bike for the whole day, beautiful! 

After I got into the grove I was doing between 50 and 80 km a day and then one day I woke up and asked myself: "How far could I go if I just cycle in one direction?" The answer was the coastline. Zagreb is located a bit less then 200km from the coastline. And that was it, eternal love between my bike and me was sealed.

As it turned out my dear friend was equally crazy about cycling as I was. From 2010 to 2016, 4 out of 6 summers we spent on cycling trips around Europe: Berlin, Tirana, Lake Ohrid, Swiss Alps, Krakow, Sarajevo, Dubrovnik, Prague; to name just a few places we have seen with our best 2 wheeled friends.

Cycling is just a part of me and it will always be a part of my life in a smaller or larger degree.

Before I moved to Denmark I knew that Denmark has an amazing cycling infrastructure and that the cycling is a big thing there. Even with that knowledge I wasn't prepared for reality, which was just WoW.

First time Al'Shadar took me to the center of Copenhagen I felt like a small child, full of awe and wonder for the new world. Bike lanes were everywhere and they were wide enough so you can overtake and they were packed! First group of people commuting was around 70 bikes large! Up to that point the largest group of other fellow cyclist I was waiting for the trafficlight in Zagreb was 5! So I recon you can understand my surprise when I saw a group of that size.

Danish cycling infrastructure is just amazing. There are not two places in Denmark that are not connected with a bike lane. Bike lanes are just everywhere in Denmark even between nowhere and nowhere. For real! There are even bike lanes in rural area with just couple of people living in them.

But, cycling lanes is one thing but bicycles are something else. Before I moved I expected that in a country with such a great infrastructure, quality of the bikes will follow but it doesn't. Most of the bikes you can see in traffic are crappy old city bikes and when I say crappy I mean crappy! If bikes were supposed to pass some road safety test, most of the bikes on Danish roads would fail. At first I was surprised with that but as I started to get to know Danish culture it started to make sense. People in Denmark don't cycle because it is there hobby, they cycle to commute. Bicycle in Denmark is a transportation device and Danes treat them as such. Bicycles are tools to be used for commuting and not hobby items you will pamper.

But that can also be seen on the Danish streets. During workdays most of the bicycles looks like they will fall apart if you look them in a bad way. Weekends are a different story though. Then avid cyclists pull out their babies out of storage and these bikes are something else. Sexy roadies worth 10000 dkk or more. Mountain bikes are a rare sight in Denmark. When you get to see one, you will remember it, and that makes sense. Of course mountain bikes are not popular and why would they be. Denmark is FLAT and the usefulness of mountain-bikes is very limited. You just don't need mountain-bikes in a flat country.

But there is a lot of weird looking bike-things that are used for transportation of people and/or things. On multiple occasions I have seen a parent transporting their two or more children in children-bikes. Some of them are three wheeled with a transport spaces on the front axle, some of them have two wheels with transportation space between the wheels, but these are made just to carry cargo. The most interesting one I have seen is for transportation of blood.

To conclude, biking is huge in Denmark and you can see it everywhere. But it isn't huge because Danes are passionate bicyclers, it is huge because it is a mean of transport. But if you are a passionate cyclist, moving to Denmark will be a huge quality if life improvement.

In the next blog entry I will talk a bit about how it is to cycle on danish bike lanes.

Danes in public spaces

Denmark is a bit over regulated country. 

Laws are set in place and people adhere to them and everything is working like clockwork. Problems arise when there is a part of everyday life that is not regulated in that way, then Danes get a bit lost. Great examples is open public space that isn't strictly regulated: behavior in daily commute and in shopping.

But let's start with road traffic. That will offer a great contrast to the point I am trying to make, because it is highly regulated activity. When Danes are driving cars they are borderline boring, in a good way. When you are driving in Denmark you should feel safe. Like any other regulated aspect of life in Denmark, this one is also working spotlessly. People don't speed, during peak hours, if there is no traffic obstructions everything is flowing. If you need to change lanes, you just need to turn on the blinkers and they will immediately allow you to change lanes. Totally, non stressful and safe. My favorite element of road traffic is when Danes are using a lane that is obligatory turn. You will see ten or more cars standing in a obligatory left lane for example and all of them blinking that they will make the left turn, like they have any other options. Why is this aspect of everyday life working like clockwork? Because it is regulated and the fines for infringement of traffic rules are very high. So, Danes are not given any freedoms and nothing is left to interpretation. Speed limit is 110, you will not drive faster. When you turn left, you will blink. Easy peasy! Danes excel at following rules.

But behavior in trains, shopping malls and bike lanes is not regulated, Danes are left to their own devices and than things start going a bit wrong.

Trains and shopping malls sometimes look like battlegrounds where speed and relentless determination are essential for survival.... no wait do you need them in order to board a train or buy groceries? Of course you don't, but it certainly looks like you do.

When Danes are boarding a train they will form a narrow passage way around the doors and eagerly wait to jump on its pray. At the moment the doors open if foot does not peak in a split of a second the relentless stampede will start. If someone does want to get of, but he did not react fast enough, the Danish stampede will stop and reluctantly give only minimal space for the person to get of the train. They are on a mission! Board the train like your life depends on it! It is the same with getting of the train. If a woman with a child, person with a bike or a person in a wheelchair wants to get of the train, the Danish stampede does not care. Tightly packed line is formed and if you are not in it you must wait until they pass or you will be trampled. Women with baby carts receive help to get of the train usually from the conductor, or the first person that is trying to get on the train. I recon that a woman with a baby cart is seen as an obstruction that reduces the efficient boarding so it should be removed fast. Train rides are ruthless and should not be taken lightly in Denmark.

It is very similar in the supermarkets. When waiting in line at the cash register, you can feel them breathing down the back of your neck. If you want to take a slight step outside of the line, you are running the risk of losing your space. In general, if you display any hesitation while trying to get in line or while you are waiting in line you are doing it at your own risk, after all there is only so much food in the store, it just might run out.

If you are looking at something on the shelves and another Dane is looking at it as well but he got there before you, do not expect it will give you any space so you can look as well. The only thing you will get is a mute angry stare that says: "I got here first! I will move when I am done and not a split second before!" Ooookkkk.... it is not like the milk will run anywhere by the time you are done. There are counters to this behavior. Option I usually go for is just wait. Relentless Danish shoppers are usually done within half a minute. Second option is that you could ask them to give you some space. It would be acknowledged as demonstration of force and if you would leave the impression that you are the alpha hunter in this isle the weaker shopper could retreat and acknowledge defeat and wait it's turn.

Third alternative is to ask them for some space. With popping this question you are putting a Dane in a state of internal conflict between making a scene, if he decides not to give you space and pulling back. The last thing a Dane in public wants is to be noticed by others, so he will give up and let you look. They just can't stand being noticed by strangers.

Why is it like that? Because Danes are great at following rules. Whenever they see a rule, by default and without thinking, they oblige. That is why, if rules are set up in a smart way, that part of life will function without a glitch. But there is a negative side effect of this behavior as well, it creates boiled up frustrations inside. These frustrations surface on weekends or in non-regulated activities. That is when Danes give in to their urges that are buried deep down inside and that is what makes them to see a lady with a stroller just as an obstacle that needs to be solved in the shortest possible time!