Danes in public spaces

Denmark is a bit over regulated country. 

Laws are set in place and people adhere to them and everything is working like clockwork. Problems arise when there is a part of everyday life that is not regulated in that way, then Danes get a bit lost. Great examples is open public space that isn't strictly regulated: behavior in daily commute and in shopping.

But let's start with road traffic. That will offer a great contrast to the point I am trying to make, because it is highly regulated activity. When Danes are driving cars they are borderline boring, in a good way. When you are driving in Denmark you should feel safe. Like any other regulated aspect of life in Denmark, this one is also working spotlessly. People don't speed, during peak hours, if there is no traffic obstructions everything is flowing. If you need to change lanes, you just need to turn on the blinkers and they will immediately allow you to change lanes. Totally, non stressful and safe. My favorite element of road traffic is when Danes are using a lane that is obligatory turn. You will see ten or more cars standing in a obligatory left lane for example and all of them blinking that they will make the left turn, like they have any other options. Why is this aspect of everyday life working like clockwork? Because it is regulated and the fines for infringement of traffic rules are very high. So, Danes are not given any freedoms and nothing is left to interpretation. Speed limit is 110, you will not drive faster. When you turn left, you will blink. Easy peasy! Danes excel at following rules.

But behavior in trains, shopping malls and bike lanes is not regulated, Danes are left to their own devices and than things start going a bit wrong.

Trains and shopping malls sometimes look like battlegrounds where speed and relentless determination are essential for survival.... no wait do you need them in order to board a train or buy groceries? Of course you don't, but it certainly looks like you do.

When Danes are boarding a train they will form a narrow passage way around the doors and eagerly wait to jump on its pray. At the moment the doors open if foot does not peak in a split of a second the relentless stampede will start. If someone does want to get of, but he did not react fast enough, the Danish stampede will stop and reluctantly give only minimal space for the person to get of the train. They are on a mission! Board the train like your life depends on it! It is the same with getting of the train. If a woman with a child, person with a bike or a person in a wheelchair wants to get of the train, the Danish stampede does not care. Tightly packed line is formed and if you are not in it you must wait until they pass or you will be trampled. Women with baby carts receive help to get of the train usually from the conductor, or the first person that is trying to get on the train. I recon that a woman with a baby cart is seen as an obstruction that reduces the efficient boarding so it should be removed fast. Train rides are ruthless and should not be taken lightly in Denmark.

It is very similar in the supermarkets. When waiting in line at the cash register, you can feel them breathing down the back of your neck. If you want to take a slight step outside of the line, you are running the risk of losing your space. In general, if you display any hesitation while trying to get in line or while you are waiting in line you are doing it at your own risk, after all there is only so much food in the store, it just might run out.

If you are looking at something on the shelves and another Dane is looking at it as well but he got there before you, do not expect it will give you any space so you can look as well. The only thing you will get is a mute angry stare that says: "I got here first! I will move when I am done and not a split second before!" Ooookkkk.... it is not like the milk will run anywhere by the time you are done. There are counters to this behavior. Option I usually go for is just wait. Relentless Danish shoppers are usually done within half a minute. Second option is that you could ask them to give you some space. It would be acknowledged as demonstration of force and if you would leave the impression that you are the alpha hunter in this isle the weaker shopper could retreat and acknowledge defeat and wait it's turn.

Third alternative is to ask them for some space. With popping this question you are putting a Dane in a state of internal conflict between making a scene, if he decides not to give you space and pulling back. The last thing a Dane in public wants is to be noticed by others, so he will give up and let you look. They just can't stand being noticed by strangers.

Why is it like that? Because Danes are great at following rules. Whenever they see a rule, by default and without thinking, they oblige. That is why, if rules are set up in a smart way, that part of life will function without a glitch. But there is a negative side effect of this behavior as well, it creates boiled up frustrations inside. These frustrations surface on weekends or in non-regulated activities. That is when Danes give in to their urges that are buried deep down inside and that is what makes them to see a lady with a stroller just as an obstacle that needs to be solved in the shortest possible time!   

Come what may but I need to leave this place

It was the winter morning on 27th of January 2019 and 3 months passed since I started torturing my ex-wife, my soon to be new girlfriend and myself and I have finally decided. I have been finally deciding a lot of things often and all were final in these last three months, but this time it was final for real:

"So, have you made up your mind?"

"Yes, all my instincts are telling me that I need to go without you."

With these words I erased everything we have been building together for the last 18 years and this time I was sure, but my words had so little weight at that point. I have changed my mind so many times, I have been tearing myself apart for three weeks:

"I am sitting in the car now and leaving now, because I have to! But you can't, you have your friends here, you have your family here, everything you have built is here, your wife is here and everything is ok with you two, you can't do it to her, you just can't abandon it all." Every day, for three weeks, two times a day, these were the thoughts going through my head. After a while I would be so worn out by it that I would just throw myself on the floor crying in despair and then compose myself by the time my wife, at the time came home.

Since I was so insecure in these three months and changed my decisions so often, I told myself that I need to prove it to myself and to others, especially to Al'shadar, that this is it now, I am doing it for sure. I told her that I will start with preparations to leave for Denmark sometimes in the middle of February and that I will prove every step of the way and document it to her, or to me? I needed to do this for me as well, since my words had so little weight at the time.

And I did it, every day something: documents, apartment in Copenhagen, planning the trip, getting rid of stuff, packing, seeing friends, losing friends, disappointing friends, making my family cry. It was insane, scary, devastating, destructive, ugly, beautiful, exhilarating all at the same time. But finally after two and a half years I had a goal, a purpose, I finally knew what needed to be done and I did it! I am leaving for Denmark on 10th of February.

And that morning came, my whole life was in that car, it was so unreal and purifying at the same time. You actually realize, at moments like these, how much useless stuff you have and with how little you can actually live and be happy.

I was driving of to Denmark on February 10th but I was leaving the old apartment on February 9th. My ex-wife asked me to leave on that day I wanted to respect her wishes. I was the one who messed it up and made the call and she was the one who was super supportive to the very end. That last hour was devastating, I was aware that this is the last time I will be in this apartment, that I will see, I guess my ex-dog, that I loved soo much, my turtles that will get a new home in two weeks! My heart was broken but my determination was unquestionable. First you must destroy the old if you want to build something new. And I did! And it hurt like hell but it was necessary!

I sat in the car and drove of to a gas station first: "What have I done! I have destroyed everything and there is no turning back now!" But there was no turning back now for good 2 weeks and I new this. Off to a coffee with a friend: "OMG this is great! The best decision ever! Let's do this!" All of this was going through my head in a time span of 10 minutes but after the horror of leaving passed, there was peace and just the brave new world and a new life for me to build as I please. That's why all the destruction of everything was worth every second and I would do it again.

I said goodbye to a friend, my grandparents and went to spend the night with my parents for the last time... still feels surreal and that feeling will stay with me for some time. The more time passes the less frequent it is but it still pops up from time to time, both for me and Al'shadar.

The moment has come, last "systems check", fire up the engine and go... after 50 meters: "Oh shit, where is the passport!" I am stopping the car on a step hill... ufff it's ok it is here. Let's go! IIIII am DOING IT!!!! After 2 kilometers all the lights on the control panel lit up! "O c'mon! Don't give up on me now! We have been to so many places together, you can't fail me now! Ok, ok I will stop at the bus stop, turn it off and on again, it just needs a reset, it will be ok." Gravel crunching as the car is stopping and the gentle hum of the diesel engine dies, the car is off... One click, two clicks, crank it all the way, engine sputtering and... IT'S WORKING!!! IT'S WORKING!!! Bye, bye Croatia, see you... sometime but not soon.

Denmark here I come!!!