Second take on Danish parenting

Growing up and moving out

Portraying danish parenting in a way I did in the last post would be hugely unfair to Danes. They do love their children and take good care of them, even if it may sound harsh when you present it in a way I did. Every aspect of parenting that I mentioned has it's merit. I think that the best one is that the danish cultural default is to insist on their children moving out when they come of age. No matter that it looks harsh, especially if you take into consideration that children are asked to move out while still going to high school. With that single act they are doing them a huge favor in the long run. Kids become independent very fast. While it is a huge shock at the start and it is not easy, with this single act children will be fast-tracked into self-sufficiency. Couple of years ago I even read that, at the start, this custom severely reduces the living standard of children but within 5 years they surpass the living standard of their parents. So, at the age of 23 they are leading a better lives then they did while living with their parents!

Just as a point of comparison. A lot of children in Croatia move out of their parents in their late 20's, some even stay until their 30's. But, it shouldn't be forgotten that Denmark has a very strong labor market, full employment and amazing paychecks. If the same custom was practiced in Croatia, children would just end up on the streets and that is something Danes would never do to their children. I even asked this a couple of mine Danish friends. Would they ask their children to move out if they knew that kids couldn't find jobs and be self-sufficient and they gave me a firm no.

Curling parenting

Unfortunately, that Danish custom is slowly losing ground. Just like the rest of the world, Denmark is starting to have problems with too permissive parenting that results in incompetent young adults. Danes are calling it curling parenting. The analogy to curling is that parents sweep away the problems which their children are facing in the same way sweepers, clear the ice in curling in the stones path so it can travel further. That way, children grow up totally incompetent with facing the challenges the life presents. If family is a bit better of, the child will still move out but the parents will be financing it's life, so no life lesions will be learned. Allegedly some parents even go to their children's job interviews. The problem that I see is caused by the heavy Danish social state.

 

One problem that is present in all Scandinavian countries is that they are being too protective of their citizens, to the point that they are preventing them in making bad life choices. Don't get me wrong, that in itself is a good cause, but the consequences are not. The problem is that it is almost impossible for Danish citizens to fail. No matter what stupidity in life they do, what mistake they make, no matter the magnitude of it, the state of Denmark will always catch them. The risk of failure is reduced so drastically that there are no consequences and consequences are necessary for learning. If you don't know what the hardship is, how are you capable of valuing the plenty that you live in?

And people do rely on it. People in Denmark expect, even demand that the state solves some of their problems? Even some of the family problems, but that is the topic for another post. What happened to taking the responsibility for your own life? Calling the shots and living with consequences?

I love the Danish social state, I think it is great, but at some points I also think it is going a bit too far. It is being too protective.

Come what may but I need to leave this place

It was the winter morning on 27th of January 2019 and 3 months passed since I started torturing my ex-wife, my soon to be new girlfriend and myself and I have finally decided. I have been finally deciding a lot of things often and all were final in these last three months, but this time it was final for real:

"So, have you made up your mind?"

"Yes, all my instincts are telling me that I need to go without you."

With these words I erased everything we have been building together for the last 18 years and this time I was sure, but my words had so little weight at that point. I have changed my mind so many times, I have been tearing myself apart for three weeks:

"I am sitting in the car now and leaving now, because I have to! But you can't, you have your friends here, you have your family here, everything you have built is here, your wife is here and everything is ok with you two, you can't do it to her, you just can't abandon it all." Every day, for three weeks, two times a day, these were the thoughts going through my head. After a while I would be so worn out by it that I would just throw myself on the floor crying in despair and then compose myself by the time my wife, at the time came home.

Since I was so insecure in these three months and changed my decisions so often, I told myself that I need to prove it to myself and to others, especially to Al'shadar, that this is it now, I am doing it for sure. I told her that I will start with preparations to leave for Denmark sometimes in the middle of February and that I will prove every step of the way and document it to her, or to me? I needed to do this for me as well, since my words had so little weight at the time.

And I did it, every day something: documents, apartment in Copenhagen, planning the trip, getting rid of stuff, packing, seeing friends, losing friends, disappointing friends, making my family cry. It was insane, scary, devastating, destructive, ugly, beautiful, exhilarating all at the same time. But finally after two and a half years I had a goal, a purpose, I finally knew what needed to be done and I did it! I am leaving for Denmark on 10th of February.

And that morning came, my whole life was in that car, it was so unreal and purifying at the same time. You actually realize, at moments like these, how much useless stuff you have and with how little you can actually live and be happy.

I was driving of to Denmark on February 10th but I was leaving the old apartment on February 9th. My ex-wife asked me to leave on that day I wanted to respect her wishes. I was the one who messed it up and made the call and she was the one who was super supportive to the very end. That last hour was devastating, I was aware that this is the last time I will be in this apartment, that I will see, I guess my ex-dog, that I loved soo much, my turtles that will get a new home in two weeks! My heart was broken but my determination was unquestionable. First you must destroy the old if you want to build something new. And I did! And it hurt like hell but it was necessary!

I sat in the car and drove of to a gas station first: "What have I done! I have destroyed everything and there is no turning back now!" But there was no turning back now for good 2 weeks and I new this. Off to a coffee with a friend: "OMG this is great! The best decision ever! Let's do this!" All of this was going through my head in a time span of 10 minutes but after the horror of leaving passed, there was peace and just the brave new world and a new life for me to build as I please. That's why all the destruction of everything was worth every second and I would do it again.

I said goodbye to a friend, my grandparents and went to spend the night with my parents for the last time... still feels surreal and that feeling will stay with me for some time. The more time passes the less frequent it is but it still pops up from time to time, both for me and Al'shadar.

The moment has come, last "systems check", fire up the engine and go... after 50 meters: "Oh shit, where is the passport!" I am stopping the car on a step hill... ufff it's ok it is here. Let's go! IIIII am DOING IT!!!! After 2 kilometers all the lights on the control panel lit up! "O c'mon! Don't give up on me now! We have been to so many places together, you can't fail me now! Ok, ok I will stop at the bus stop, turn it off and on again, it just needs a reset, it will be ok." Gravel crunching as the car is stopping and the gentle hum of the diesel engine dies, the car is off... One click, two clicks, crank it all the way, engine sputtering and... IT'S WORKING!!! IT'S WORKING!!! Bye, bye Croatia, see you... sometime but not soon.

Denmark here I come!!!