Come what may but I need to leave this place

It was the winter morning on 27th of January 2019 and 3 months passed since I started torturing my ex-wife, my soon to be new girlfriend and myself and I have finally decided. I have been finally deciding a lot of things often and all were final in these last three months, but this time it was final for real:

"So, have you made up your mind?"

"Yes, all my instincts are telling me that I need to go without you."

With these words I erased everything we have been building together for the last 18 years and this time I was sure, but my words had so little weight at that point. I have changed my mind so many times, I have been tearing myself apart for three weeks:

"I am sitting in the car now and leaving now, because I have to! But you can't, you have your friends here, you have your family here, everything you have built is here, your wife is here and everything is ok with you two, you can't do it to her, you just can't abandon it all." Every day, for three weeks, two times a day, these were the thoughts going through my head. After a while I would be so worn out by it that I would just throw myself on the floor crying in despair and then compose myself by the time my wife, at the time came home.

Since I was so insecure in these three months and changed my decisions so often, I told myself that I need to prove it to myself and to others, especially to Al'shadar, that this is it now, I am doing it for sure. I told her that I will start with preparations to leave for Denmark sometimes in the middle of February and that I will prove every step of the way and document it to her, or to me? I needed to do this for me as well, since my words had so little weight at the time.

And I did it, every day something: documents, apartment in Copenhagen, planning the trip, getting rid of stuff, packing, seeing friends, losing friends, disappointing friends, making my family cry. It was insane, scary, devastating, destructive, ugly, beautiful, exhilarating all at the same time. But finally after two and a half years I had a goal, a purpose, I finally knew what needed to be done and I did it! I am leaving for Denmark on 10th of February.

And that morning came, my whole life was in that car, it was so unreal and purifying at the same time. You actually realize, at moments like these, how much useless stuff you have and with how little you can actually live and be happy.

I was driving of to Denmark on February 10th but I was leaving the old apartment on February 9th. My ex-wife asked me to leave on that day I wanted to respect her wishes. I was the one who messed it up and made the call and she was the one who was super supportive to the very end. That last hour was devastating, I was aware that this is the last time I will be in this apartment, that I will see, I guess my ex-dog, that I loved soo much, my turtles that will get a new home in two weeks! My heart was broken but my determination was unquestionable. First you must destroy the old if you want to build something new. And I did! And it hurt like hell but it was necessary!

I sat in the car and drove of to a gas station first: "What have I done! I have destroyed everything and there is no turning back now!" But there was no turning back now for good 2 weeks and I new this. Off to a coffee with a friend: "OMG this is great! The best decision ever! Let's do this!" All of this was going through my head in a time span of 10 minutes but after the horror of leaving passed, there was peace and just the brave new world and a new life for me to build as I please. That's why all the destruction of everything was worth every second and I would do it again.

I said goodbye to a friend, my grandparents and went to spend the night with my parents for the last time... still feels surreal and that feeling will stay with me for some time. The more time passes the less frequent it is but it still pops up from time to time, both for me and Al'shadar.

The moment has come, last "systems check", fire up the engine and go... after 50 meters: "Oh shit, where is the passport!" I am stopping the car on a step hill... ufff it's ok it is here. Let's go! IIIII am DOING IT!!!! After 2 kilometers all the lights on the control panel lit up! "O c'mon! Don't give up on me now! We have been to so many places together, you can't fail me now! Ok, ok I will stop at the bus stop, turn it off and on again, it just needs a reset, it will be ok." Gravel crunching as the car is stopping and the gentle hum of the diesel engine dies, the car is off... One click, two clicks, crank it all the way, engine sputtering and... IT'S WORKING!!! IT'S WORKING!!! Bye, bye Croatia, see you... sometime but not soon.

Denmark here I come!!!