Plan me in advance 'cause I am busy

After you move to Denmark, you will have a lot of challenges to overcome if you want to socialize with the locals. First of all they are a little skittish and hard to talk to in public spaces. There is a lot of them, but they keep their head down, are absorbed with their devices and they like to keep their distance. Even if one manages to overcome the first obstacle, their language is hard to understand and even harder to speak as a tiny mispronunciation can lead to complete misunderstanding. 

While working, which is their favorite activity, they want to talk work but they are hard to extend work relationship outside of the work place. And after they leave the work area, if they are not in public spaces they are unusually hard to find. It is like they disappear. If you are really hell bent on socializing with them, you need to find them first without invading their private residences because that will make them even more skittish. So where are they hiding? 

Most likely they are hiding in some organized union involved in some activities that people in the union find fun. So, next logical step is to think about your favorite activity, google it, find out if it exists in your place of residence, see where and when it is being organized and go there.

You may think that it is over now since you are socializing with the locals but, trust me, you are barely scratching the surface. For now, what you are doing is only participating in the activity that you all like to share. But forming a closer relationship will take some time. One reason is that most of the conversations will revolve around the activity you are involved with.

They call it the significant third. It is an activity which everyone enjoys and which serves as a connecting tissue for the people who are gathered around it. So, what happens is that the significant third is an easy topic that comes naturally but going beyond it is a bit hard. But I guess that for you extroverts out there it is a bit easier.

So, you have successfully overcame all the above mentioned challenges and you have found a person you would like to hang out with. Then you are over, right? Wrong! Now you need to fit into his or her schedule, and that is much harder then you think. Danes plan everything and they plan it far into the future. Christmas planning starts a day after Christmas. Family gatherings are planed couple of weeks in advance. In Denmark nothing is spontaneous. Spur of the moment activities are virtually non existent and the absolute worst thing that you can do to a Dane is to cancel an appointment or just barge in unannounced. That makes them go completely ballistics. They will rage! In silence of course because emotional expressions outside of funerals are illegal.

Now you have yourself a potential friend. Be vary though, if he invites you to his home, do not bring presents, you may scare him away.

Do not insult me with expressing your opinion

The other day we had very interesting cultural misunderstanding. We went for a beer with our friends from the "Croatian getto" and as my girfriend recently started to work for the labour union a lot of the discussion revolved around that and at the point it became a bit heated. She is very passionate about her work and my friends and me are passionate about disucussion and sometimes we do like to play devils advocate as well. So, it was a perfect setup for hanging out with friends drinking beer and just talking, as Croatians do it by default.

At one point discussion became very heated as my friend was grilling my girlfriend and than he popped the question: "But if think that labor unions work is so important why don't you clean staircases for a living and volunteer for the labor unions?" That completely caught her off guard, she just opened her mouth and eyes wide open and stayed speechles at which point we all burst into laughter and in return we got a fuck you guys. But this didn't stop us from continuing and in the end my girlfriend even got a feedback on what should labour unions do to become more relevant and appealing to foreigners. Of course, it was just our personal opinion. We are by not experts on the topic by any criteria.

This what I described is the classical way Croatians socialize. We meet, we drink, we discuss hot and controversial topics, we solve "world problems" and we try to outsmart each other in a discussion. It is almost a sport on it's own and what is most important, none of us takes it personaly. It is just a discussion among friends. And the best discussions are when you are discussing with people who do not share your opinion because at these discussions you get a new understanding of the topic, or the person you are discussing with.

It seems it is not the same in Denmark. Personal opinions seem to have a bit of a dogmatic untouchable status. What happenes in a group of friends in Denmark when a discussion starts is the following. In case you would have a situation wher two people had opposing takes on a certain matter, the discussion would be droped at the point this realization is reached. Allegedly, everbody has the right to their opinions but people in Croatia do too. I would add that, it seems, in Denmark everbody has the right to have their opinions unquestioned.

Second eventuality is that they actually proceed with the discussion but that happenes only if everybody shares the same oppinion on the issue. But this is hardly a discussion. It is more a case of tapping each other on the back while saying "You are right." In Croatian this isn't a discussion, it is rather commenting then discussing.

Third eventality is that people who have an opposing opinions and are brave enough to start discussing would be shunned: "C'mon, why are you acting like that, you are ruining the evening for everybody. Let's do something fun instead."

The only way people can oppose their opinions on a certain matter is if they are in the group where everybody is totally ok with it, which isn't a cultural default.

When I learned about all this I was very surprised. Denmark indeed is a very liberal country. Croatia is in comparison a very closed and conservative country. Danes are easy on black humor, on talking very explicitly about sex. Their media is infamous for insulting other countries or religious groups with potentially inappropriate drawings. Whenever that happeness and the insulted party asks for an appology the media in question just replies that they have a right to the freedom of speech and the government backs them up. So how do you go from this approach to free speech to Danish citizens self-censoring themselfs when they realize that one of the people in the group has an oppinion that is contrary to their own? It is just one of many things in Denmark that looks at least a bit contradictory.