How to kill a Croatian

Croats are very proud people and they hold their nation and national accomplishments in a very high esteem. They will say, full of pride, that they chased away the Turks (Ottoman Empire), French (Napoleon), Germans (WW2) and successfully defended against the Serbian aggression in the last war even though Serbia had the full might of ex-Jugoslavian army in control. When you hear it this way, you would think that Croatians are sturdy folk and that you shouldn't mess around with them.

But, there is also the other side of the medal. Croatians are also very soft and tender souls who are prone to succumb to ailments to which the rest of the world is immune. Unlike the rest of the human kind, while a Croat thrives in trenches and being under siege and will withstand it no problem for the indefinite amount of time, draft, direct contact with wet or/and cold surface without protection and exposure of his wet hair to cold outside air may cause his untimely and unexpected demise.

In Croatian culture, since your earliest age there are three things that are an absolute no no. They are more important then the 10 commandments and don't forget that Croatia is mostly Catholic country with very strong religious feelings. The 3 absolutely forbidden activities are:

1. Thou shall not sit in a draft!
2. Thou shall not sit on a cold or wet surface without one layer of protection!
3. Thou shall not leave the apartment with wet hair!

As I said, failure to abide by these three commandments may result in an untimely death.

In Croatian culture children are told by their parents, grandparents and all other care takers that failure to follow these three rules will always result in sickness. Whenever someone gets sick the conversation goes in accordance with these lines:

Sick person: " I am not feeling well. I have a slight fever, headache and I can't get out of bed. I have no energy for anything."

Healthy person: "But what did you do? Why did you get sick?"

Sick person: "I don't know, I was taking all the precautions."

Healthy person: "But the other day, when we were at your place didn't you make a draft?"

Sick person: " I did but it was because we needed to get that awful smell out of the apartment."

Healthy person: "And then we came and you forgot to close the window and you were sitting in the draft for hours. There you go, that is why you got sick."

In essence, when someone goes ill in Croatia and the Croatian think tank tries to pinpoint the source of the disease, they will inevitably be led to either draft, exposure of wet hair to the outside air or sitting outside without a protective layer between the but and the sitting surface, depending on what did the sick person do in the last couple of days. Croatians do not get sick from viruses or bacteria they get sick from the draft.

There is one caveat though. Sitting outside in the cold in the cafe bar does not count. That can't cause any diseases. The biggest culprit for getting sick in that category is concrete. If you sit with your but on a concrete surface without additional layer of protection will get you sick.

When a Croatian finds himself in such a situation he must apply one layer of some material between his but and the concrete surface. And you would be surprised how easy it is to protect oneself. All you need to do is put one plastic bag or one side of newspapers between your but and concrete in order to be safe from all kinds of nasty diseases that type of activity can cause.

So, if you have a Croatian national in your surroundings, of whom you are not particularly fond, invite him to your home for a coup of coffee. Coffee is the perfect lure for Croatians, offer him a seat next to the window and open another window at the opposite side of your apartment and watch him disappear into nothingness.